The Dead

The dead is dead. To think other wise only proves your ignorance. She isn't watching you, she isn't directing you, she isn't upset with you fore simply she is dead. Her body, her mind, her flesh decapitates just as fading memories. Her soul is captured, harbored, locked away, until judgement day. Yet one may ask. "Shem you have yet to visit the lady who took you in when your parents couldn't keep you, oh how she must turn in her to grave to know that the little girl she raised has grown so unappreciative of the acts taken to have you here today." I resign on the cusp of reality where imagery doesn't sweep me away. To believe my acts are being counted are foolish and comical. Mums dead and although i have grown to love her with all my power, she is gone. And with her absence has went my courage to love so efficiently again. I do miss her, but the reality of it is that i have to fade her. The last candle has burned out.
-Sorry mum, Don't make me cry anymore, I just want joy.

Let us bow our heads

Instead of providing Christopher with a means of rehabilitation, the media has continued to slay him. Who are we to judge? Can't we all see that Chris needs our support. The music industry is a very hard place for a young man to hear his inner heart beat. Instead of hating and ridiculing, we should instead pray. Let us use Michael Jackson as an example. Please don't let us do, what we did to Michael, to Chris.

For better or worse

Before I was blessed with the opportunity to come to UMBC and enrich my life, I remember making my life more useful. You could never catch me home, I would be out there, in the world, making friends, and exploring. Now, i feel tied down, forced, unfulfilled. I wish i could have my old life back but I suppose this is the gateway for many new possibilities to come by. And so i wait...

Dear God

Sometimes I wonder how a man so loving could invent sin. How you could create an entire nation of hollow souls, and leave us to wounder this world aimlessly. When you allow the good to suffer and the wretched to prosper, you really make me question my loyalty for you. Dear God, sometimes i feel as if though you abandoned us. Why does a man of your exterior even experience jealousy? are you not what they call "holy" Sometimes God i get so angry. Angry at you, the people, the world. Sometimes I cant blame you though. To be totally honest with you, i feel as if though Christians work my fucking nerves. How do they expect to convert anyone when their always criticizing and so damn judgmental. I just feel as if though most of them exploit your name for a source of social status and money. I'm surprised you have yet to end what you started. Whatever it is that you see in us, i thank you. I just wish you would make it easier for those who try to do good.

Mood Shift

I certainty feel this aura that is currently present, is of high importance to blog about. I'm at my friends apartment trying to do what we call a "grave yard shift." This is basically a power study. (adopting as many pertinent material to study for eight hours straight.) Although I project to be studying, internally i am far beyond my books. I am lost in a battle of my own thoughts. In the midst of my inner crusade a familiar sound rings bringing me back to reality. I look at my phone and it's a text from my older sister. I pick up my phone to read I can't wait to see Mama Those words drew a scent of depression that i felt wrapped around my heart and held it hostage.
What is wrong with her? My Grandma was all we knew. She didn't bring us into this world, but she left an imprint on us. I read the message over and over and each word i read aloud held me by the collar and pushed me more and more into a dismal state of mind. I try so hard not to remember her. I hate the thought of her. He presence was one of tranquility that would soothe any troubled soul and because that is what i lack in life i try so hard to forget her.
I went as far back in retrospect as i could and it brought me to a time when my cousin and i got into the biggest argument of our kindergarten lives. I was so angry with her i told her not to even consider coming to my birthday party. Her counter attack was that she never planned on coming. Mama came (the saint she was) and told us to shake hands and forget. Two seconds later we picked up our barbies and began to tell a story with them.
I fast forwarded to the present and felt so disgusted with myself. I chose to repress that idea of Mama and along with that repression went everything she taught me. Why though? I feel as though that text came in good timing. It made me apply that to the personal conflict i was having while i was suppose to be studying. It's not hard to forgive people. No ones perfect. That only thing we can be is human. Imagin if God never forgave.There's a saying that goes "When you chose to not forgive someone you allow them to have a hold over you." Why give them that pleasure. Open your heart and forgive someone. The weight you are able to lift through forgiveness is alleviating.