Mood Shift

I certainty feel this aura that is currently present, is of high importance to blog about. I'm at my friends apartment trying to do what we call a "grave yard shift." This is basically a power study. (adopting as many pertinent material to study for eight hours straight.) Although I project to be studying, internally i am far beyond my books. I am lost in a battle of my own thoughts. In the midst of my inner crusade a familiar sound rings bringing me back to reality. I look at my phone and it's a text from my older sister. I pick up my phone to read I can't wait to see Mama Those words drew a scent of depression that i felt wrapped around my heart and held it hostage.
What is wrong with her? My Grandma was all we knew. She didn't bring us into this world, but she left an imprint on us. I read the message over and over and each word i read aloud held me by the collar and pushed me more and more into a dismal state of mind. I try so hard not to remember her. I hate the thought of her. He presence was one of tranquility that would soothe any troubled soul and because that is what i lack in life i try so hard to forget her.
I went as far back in retrospect as i could and it brought me to a time when my cousin and i got into the biggest argument of our kindergarten lives. I was so angry with her i told her not to even consider coming to my birthday party. Her counter attack was that she never planned on coming. Mama came (the saint she was) and told us to shake hands and forget. Two seconds later we picked up our barbies and began to tell a story with them.
I fast forwarded to the present and felt so disgusted with myself. I chose to repress that idea of Mama and along with that repression went everything she taught me. Why though? I feel as though that text came in good timing. It made me apply that to the personal conflict i was having while i was suppose to be studying. It's not hard to forgive people. No ones perfect. That only thing we can be is human. Imagin if God never forgave.There's a saying that goes "When you chose to not forgive someone you allow them to have a hold over you." Why give them that pleasure. Open your heart and forgive someone. The weight you are able to lift through forgiveness is alleviating.

Lately...

No matter how hard i try I'll never be perfect. I am the being of fire that has been possessed with sin. It doesn't matter how fast i run, I'll never escape it. I feel as though the entity I have become so infatuated with, has began to slowly eat at my sanity. I go to bed with a heart full of hurt and wake up with a mind full of denial. Could it be that i am the definition of stupidity? Why must i be so nieve? Trusting? Welcoming? its as if people see me as a doormat they can walk all over. The emotions i harbor are like a bottomless pit. they go on for eternity. I've not yet reached my earthly destination, which explains my continuing existence. I sometimes wish however, with me, in this barren world, with heartless people, i had another mind that could dissect and comprehend the complexities of my thoughts.

When we party, we leave no prisoners behind

We traded the ozone for mars in hopes to escape our realities and live out our fantasies.I loved how the toxins you emited decipitated all emotions and pushed me in a trance to feel numb to reality.i struck a match and called the air to brew the flame, however destiny saw that this wasn't predestined, so it came and blew out the fire. i guess what we perceived to be an outline of stimulating a mental emotional connection, doesn't correspond to predestined dispositions. people came like seasons but you were always there. i ran away with summer, came back in fall but you disappeared. I felt the guilt to hard to bare until recent accusations caused me to thwart all communication from you. thus causing the respect i once had for you, to decipitate.Yesterday warned me about today and now tomorrow doesn't seem certain. all in all Ive already dispatched your forgiveness so when ever your ready to pick it up, just apologize but keep in mind my new motto "be heartless. see how many doors open for you."

In Pursuit

When i was a little girl i looked to the sky and questioned why my life was so perfect. I showered in love and washed my face with nothing but meaningful kisses. My heart use to beat and my lips use to smile. When i was little God lived in my attic and wishes came true. I ran with the best but no one compared to you. When the corners of your mouth raised so would the sun and it would illuminate my soul with radiance, bliss, and fun. But then you became hard to read and the thought of God was murdered. I grew so cold my heart stopped beating. I became nothing you expected. I lived for me, but for me, I didn't live. I only lived because i wasn't dead. So many times did the razor pleasure my flesh with wounds. So many times did i cry because of the abuse, until i forgot how to cry and learned how to hurt, and boy did i hurt. I hurt so callously the only thing they could do was desert me. I rotted in my nagative thoughts, but being so close to death was my only happiness. But then you came to me in a metaphor, to show me you had not forgotten. and for that i felt bad. I tried to mend the peices but only a few accepted. I ran to God, and he took me back with open arms. I begged for their forgiveness, and although they forgave me i don't think they ever forgot. It hurts my heart a great deal to stand on top and look upon all the people iv'e hurt. but dear mum, I swear as long as theirs a God in heaven i will do everything in my power to make things better. This i promise you.

Troubled

I feel like i've fallen to a level where insanity conquers my emotions. I always go out of my way to make people happy. I feel as though i'm a very loving, caring, compassionate person who will do anything to make the people in her life happy. Is it too much to ask for th same in return?

What was the worst advice you've ever received?

If i want to be a stripper, make sure i'm the best their is.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/curryprincess

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/curryprincess

Why are guys so evil

Amanda dearest if you choose to read this urban dictionary the word faded because thats what i am right now.
If there's one thing i love, it's my boys. As a female, i have no problem defending them, however as i sit and ponder into retrospect i can't help but notice that all guys are jerks. Whether it be consciously or unconsciously it is a part of their homeostasis to be imbecile. So i sat and i contemplated why this is, and in doing so i have come up with two theories.

Theory of first attraction
We all know, whether you want to admit it or not, that you never get over you first true love. acoording to Oedipus Complex, a boys first love is their mother. However they suffer from penis anxiety. Penis anxiety is when the boy fears that the father will perform a castration, so he befriends the father in hopes that if the father does find this out he won't be likely to perform this deed Is it because of this why we can say they are the way they are towards females, because their first true love was already taken and now there just bitter?



Theory of mortality
Perhaps the reason why boys are pretentious, repulsive, egotistical, self-centered, shallow, inconsiderate, perturbing beings is because their the devils creation. Yes, maybe the devil made them

In conclusion; i understand lesbians. When i come back to my natural state of mind i'll come back and reveiw this. Mind you i am in a state beyond verbal comprehension.
Shem Lee is OUT

what to do

its summer time and I just moved.

Soim looking for a new job in my new area and I see Toys R Us, Ive already worked there once before as customer service and apply for assitant manager, but dont get it. Instead they offer me customer service again, only in the babies department. boo

so then I think, Ive been working at Metro for a minute now and think to go for supervisor. I ask people around and they think its a good idea. I go to the manager and she says now, some bullshit like theres no openings or some shit like that. That's a lie.

So right now I dont know what to do. Go to TRU for a job i already had, only this time worse and take a step backwards. Stay at metro and wait it out, cuz i know stupid manager is gonna realize that the supervisors she has now are leaving and have me take their place. OR just totally leave Metro, and say FUCK YOU!

any suggestions?

BTW I understand it's April 1st. But everything I've said is not a joke.

Jamaica

Recently Ive been seeing the world through racist eyes. Everytime I look at white people they get me mad. Expecially rich white people, Especially old white people, and the men I dont like white old rich men

I look at the world I'm in and think, this is not the only way it can be. I'm looking at it and thinking this 'world' that I live in was created for white people, by white people. Thats why those that are minorities are having a hard time. Because the system was not created for them, it was created to exploit them, and use our abilities for their benefit.

I was taking a shower today and looked at my rag, created by a white person, looked at my shower gel, created by a white person. Everything I look at was probably created by a white person. Proably the only culture influence was the hands that put these items together.

Thats why I want to go to Jamaica for a month. and then maybe after that I want to go to Africa. I just want to experience a world that was created for me. A black person. instead of living in someone elses world.

Ive thought about it and my dad is going this summer, so im going to go with him. adn just stay after he leaves, and meet my family and do all that kind of stuff. It will be kinda like an indentity finding, souls searching mission.

I only have one problem, no one wants to go with me. I mean I'm going down one way or another, alone or with someone. Im just saying it would be more interesting and more fun to go down with a friend. So if your interested in going to jamaica with me this summer. let me know!

Dreaming

last night I had a dream. Its kinda long. I hope you guys dont mind. for the skimmers, I'll put the most important parts in bold

There were 2 brothers. They were yound like maybe 7 and 9 and they were bownm, they were very very close to eachother. One day they went shopping with their mom at the grocery store. They stole a few things but still helped their mom get the food she wanted. They saw some friends there and said waduup to them. On the way home they play around and help their mother unpack the groceries. The mother starts cooking. The boys go in their chill spot and fall asleep. They wake up to smoke. The police come and they start shooting in the other room. The oldest brother runs out and closes the door so they cant shoot there anymore. Everything is calm for a moment. They go outside and their mother is there, everything is calm. The boys go back inside and the police radio says "52, 52! Get out Get Out!" the younger boy fell asleep and the older one woke him up and ran him outside. They go into the mothers room and can't find her, they assume shes outside where she was before. The run down the stairs, unlock the door and leave. They embrace eachotherm for making it out alove! They look for their mother but cant find her. A man walks up the the little brother and starts asking him questions. The little borhter cant undertsand him, because he is talking in their language too fast. SO the older borther stepps in and finished their conversation. The younger brother notices something in the older brothers shirts. The older brother was hiding a police wire in his shirt. the younger brother gets suspicious and questions him. the older brother says it was to get the police to save them. The younger brother accepts it, and they start walking, following the crowds. The older brother at this time, hear the man talking to another man, about him and stops for the compliments. The younger brother does not like this.

They get to a party. the older brother walks infron of the younger, and the younger pushes him out of the way. (this is where the younger brother turns into a girl, more specifically, me. Remember is it a dream). then I see a dude from area and I ask him if hes seen my mom, he says he hasnt seen anything. I turn around and ask this girl if shes seen my mom she starts flirting with me, and I start to get angry. i tell her about the fire and the whole story, while were dancing. This is where I'm conviced that she is a lesbian. she says there was no fire. I get made and kick her, she must have fought back because somehow i ended up on the floor, by this guys feet where he was sitting. he reaches to pick me up.... and then my alarm went off.

yeah, that was basically my dream. Im wondering if it means something and what would have happened if I didnt wake up

the time

I think there is a moment in everyones life that they actually have to stop and thinkg abotu their actions and where life is leading them, and if they like where the road leads.

not to say that I'm much a philosopher, but I have been thinking deeply about things. It had to do with school, and people, and family. Just one big mixture of all three ingredients.

I dont know where to start. I wont really go into detail, but I think I need to spend more time on myself, just sitting down being by myself, and less primarily smoking and in the party scene. It screwed me up last semester, and it's happening again right now.

So I have deleted my facebook, just to get out of the loop, and spend more of my time on what I'm supposed to be doing like studying, or something like that.

BYOB

This past Saturday me and my roomate held a house party at the crib. Everything was free all they had to do was bring their own alcohol.

Let me tell you how cramped it was in there! wooow!



Those were just a few

and then there was the aftermath

Guess Whos Back

Just like i said, I was coming back.

I left yall for a MINUTE still, but then i thought I'm going through alot of shit and why keep it all to my self.

so before i Get so deep with all of you... i wanted to give you a little peek of what I've been into Lately.

Meet Theophilus London...

College

College, well where do i want to start. It's really something i tell you. I've entered a galaxy beyond virtual understanding. I came into it a very apprehensive, demure, introverted person, only to exceed to a level i never thought would be attainable. More gregarious. It's funny. The world i tried to hard to obtain is the world i'm living in, and now that i resigned here i wonder to myself am i doing the right thing? I've met wonderful people who outweigh the shallow people i have encountered in my life. This new knowledge has helped me grow less ignorant to things i didn't know and i wouldn't trade this experience for anything.

CANCER

Signs of the Zodiac
By Athena Starwoman

Cancer

Your element: Water

Your ruling planets: The Moon

Symbol: The Crab

Your stone: Moonstone

Life Pursuit: Constant reassurance and intimacy

Vibration: Moody

Cancer's Secret Desire: To feel safe (emotionally, spiritually, romantically and financially)


What's in store for your love life this month? Find out with a Jennifer Angel Love & Romance Forecast Horoscope!
Description:
Those born under the sign of Cancer, ruled by the mysterious Moon, are one of the zodiac's enigmas. It is fair to say that most Cancers are a bundle of contradictions. Compassionate and caring with friends, family and lovers, yet they can cut to the bone with their jealous remarks and ever-changing moods. Endearingly eccentric on one hand, and on the other, insecure about how others see them. Like their astrological symbol - the Crab - Cancers can appear hard and insensitive on the outside. However, for those of us who know and love a "Moon Child", we understand that deep below lies a softness and sensitivity that makes them so very special...

Just as the Moon goes through many changes as it moves from its new to full phases, Cancers too go through many new and full phases of experience. Life doesn't stand still for this sign, even if they remain in one place, because they live so much in their internal oceans of emotions. Their link with the Moon often makes it impossible for them to operate on an even keel from day to day. Up and down like the proverbial yo-yo, most Cancerians feel one way one minute, then sometimes totally different the next. But this characteristic is part of their charm.

Love and romance matter more than anything else to this sign (but this occasionally shares first place with having lots of money in the bank). No other sign romances better, equally though, no sign takes it so badly when romance turns sour either. But with their changeable natures Cancerians are fascinating, mysterious, stimulating and extremely alluring. This sign is one of the most magic of all and once their magic has reached you, they are the most beguiling companions. After all, isn't the Moon the most talked about and romantic galactic identity?
Star Sign Compatibility
Jennifer Angel
How compatible is your star sign with another star sign?
your fully- detailed astrology report no ordinary horoscope can provide.

If you were born on the first or last day of a Sun sign, in astrological terms you were born on a cusp. If that's the case, you will probably benefit from reading your own Sun sign and the Sun sign that ends or begins right before or after your date of birth. For example, if your birth date is 22 December, your Sun sign is Capricorn, but you probably have some Sagittarian traits as well

By Athena Starwoman

You may also be interested in a personalised astrology report

Back to the Basics

Another semester at UMBC and im excited to encounter whats ahead. Small world though. Its funny how you can go four years in the same institution with peers you'd never know you'd have a divine connection with unless you take it upon yourself to find out. Raul and Chris i fux with u guys sooo hard i cant believe i never took the time to know you before. So lets Cheer to new friendship and more adventures. you guys are awesome

Whats going on with cassie? maybe......

Ok so i was watching chris brown video and it didnt hit me till like the 3rd time that something was missing, half of cassies head, so im like yo wat the !@#$. first i thought it was some desperate attemp to look like rhianna, that demon worshiper But theres no evidence to supports that. These are my two guesses, maybe shes preparing for a role in a movie she will be starting in. or maybe her publisist told her to do something drastic because the media was beggining to forget about her. Whatever it is, i hope where not having another brittney spears moment so early in the year. BTW if she went fully bald, i think she would look like Amber Rose, And i think bald suites her.